Joels Story .... part one

Lexy has been promising to type up my version of what happened but has been putting it off and I don't blame her, so to make it easier on her I'll type it up.

On Tuesday October 28Th, I took the day off to take Lexy to her high risk ob appointment since she wasn't feeling too well and didn't want to drive the hour and a half there. Did the norm, piss in a cup, get weighed, blood pressure and go sit in a room. Doctor Lady comes in and checks the height of her stomach and feels a round and then the Doppler comes out... nothing, can hear Lexy's faintly but that's it. She moves it around and Lexy squeezes my hand. I can see the fear on her face and she just closes her eyes and holds her breath like it's a dream and she's trying to wake up. Doctor Lady said she's going to do an ultra sound. I notice Lexy breathing heavy and I admit I was scared shit-less but I knew I had to stay strong for Lexy because I am her rock, always have been when anything got tough and I knew if she knew I was worried and scared she would lose it. Within a minute the ultra sound was going and both the babies had no heart beat. Doctor Lady delivered the news at 11:11am. I looked at the clock for some odd reason and will never forget that exact moment. Lexy broke down and screamed why and asked a million times how and what happened and holding her stomach and repeating that she was sorry. I don't know to whom, me or the babies. Doctor Lady cried along with her. I did too but I had to pull Lexy together and being with her since we were teenagers I knew that I shouldn't show how much I was hurting too not yet at least. We sat in the room just holding each other for about a half an hour when Doctor Lady brakes the silence and asks us what we wanted to do. Let Lexy's body miscarry on it's own, get a D&C or find out answers by doing an autopsy but that would mean that Lexy would need a c-section. She said we could stay and think about it as long as we wanted. We talked and talked. The pros and cons of everything and Lexy stated that she defiantly didn't want to let her body miscarry on it's own because who knows how long that would take and that would delay every ones healing time. We chose to have the autopsy mainly for Lexy to have closure and figure what happened to our babies. We scheduled it for October 29Th at 10am and we had to be there at 9am.
She comes home and just goes to bed and cries herself to sleep. I make all the phone calls to family and my work to let them know that I will not be going in the morning. Her wonderful father rushes over and offered to take the children for however long needed. We pack their things up and talk about everything and wishes he could do more and to give Lexy his love since she locked herself in the bedroom. I leave her alone for a while and then unlock the door and asked her if she wanted to give the kids a kiss good by and she said to send them in as she didn't want to deal with anyone. After the kids leave she takes some Tylenol pm and goes cries some more until it kicks in and shes out for the night. I however couldn't sleep. That's when I broke down and just prayed all night long. Mainly about keeping Lexy safe and sane and give her the strength she needs to get threw this.
What seemed like days but was only hours and it was morning. I woke Lexy and she took a quick shower and we headed off to the hospital. When we got there we had no clue where to go, so we asked the lady at the front desk "My wife Crissie B---(Alexia/Lexy to all you guys since she hates her first name) has a .... c-section scheduled today and we don't know where to go" She looked at Lexy and probably thought she was just a regular pregnant woman since she was measuring 32 weeks for a singleton pregnancy at the day before appointment and told us to go to Labor and Delivery.

I will end this here for tonight. Since it's almost 2am and I have to be at work in 5 hours. Glad I got a nap today but for now I will snuggle up with my wife since she is in one of her low moments. She hasn't taken an anti-depressant in 3 days and is doing rather well. Only about 2 brake downs a day now and that is VERY good to what it use to be. Thank you all for your prayers, support, cards in the mail, flowers and gift cards. You all are family!

Thank you

I wish I could hug all of you! You all are great support and I needed it so much and still do. I'm home now, been for a few days. Just been sleeping my life away it seems. I've been readding all the blogs, sorry for not commenting but I am there reading. 2ww I still go on and lurk but it's so hard because they are all still pregnant (dont get me wrong I want them and ya'll to stay pregnant and have healthy babies) and one of the girls just had her beautiful little boy and yeah I'm jealious. *In due time I will have mine, I keep telling myself and I am forever greatdul for my two I have.... It's just really hard* Days are getting a little better, little less crying, staying awake more. Joel has giving me his story. I'll type it up tomorrow, as the pain killers and sleeping pills are kicking in. So, if this post is incoherent you know why.
We got the autopsy reports back. Elija's (baby A) said Intrauterine Sudden Death (in other words unknown) and Emmaline's (Baby C) was Maternal Infection and Trisomy 21. I had an infection in my uterus and that explains why I wouldn't stop bleeding.
Joel and I talked today about persuing surrogacy. We don't know when. I know I want to be off the anti-depressants. So, it eoepend when I am "better", I guess. I am looking at either to go with an agency or go independent like Kym. I like to be incontroll but I would like to go an agency in case problems arrise. We have agreed to use a gestational surrogate (not the biologically related to the baby) and egg donnor and not a traditional surrogate (where the carrier would be the biological mother plus by Texas laws you cannot do a traditional surrogacy unless they give birth in another state. Down fall is, gestational is more expensive along with an egg donnor and agencies also charge an arm and a leg.
Wow I cant see straight guess it's time for me to get back in bed.

It's Over

I haven't been on because I lost the babies and I am still in the hospital because there were some complications.

Tuesday Oct. 28th Ihad my normal MFM appointment and she couldn't hear any heartbeats with the dopler so plops the goo on my stomach for the ultrasound and A & C had no heartbeats. We all cried and tried to figure out why/how/what happened. She said that I had 1 of 3 choices.
•Wait it out and let my body miscarry on it's own.
•Get a D&C
•Have a c-section on Wednesday and do an autopsy to figure out what caused it.

My husband and I talked about it and decided that the c-section would be the best answer for us and to help with closure when we find out the results.

This is by far the hardest thing ever I could possibly wright.

Here is what happened from what I can remember (I'll have Joel do his version tomorrow)

Our doctor set an appointment for me to have a c-section on Wednesday morning. We go there. At first the stupid hospital had me waiting in Labor and delivery where I could hear babies crying and I just wanted to run away. My doctor apologized for the confusion and told them to send me to another floor but obviously they didn't. She took me to the operating room I drank some nasty shit that almost made me throw up.. I had to swallow it down. The anesthesiologist came in and I got my epidural and it kicked in fast. I laid back down and my doctor came in and I remember her not strapping my arms to the table. I remember them criss crossed on my chest while Joel had his hand on top of mine. I remember her saying A is a BOY and C is GIRL. Then things started going fuzzy. I started seeing dots and was dizzy and breathing was getting difficult. I told Joel who told the anesthesiologist. Next thing I see is lights in my eyes telling me that it's going to be okay and they are going to put me under general anastetic because they are having difficulty stopping my bleeding.
Then I was in recovery room with Joel sleeping in the chair. Apparently 9 hours passed. I don't remember much (Joel said he will tell me details when I am ready but I'm just not yet - have to deal with this first) Very long story short.. The bleeding wouldn't stop. They ended up giving me a complete hysterectomy. I had 3 blood transfusion.
We are still waiting on the results of the autopsy. A was "born" (can't get a certificate of fetal death or any type of certificate at that because I wasn't at least 20 weeks. I am LIVID and hurt about that!) at 9:56am weighing 3.2oz and 4.12 inches and C was "born" at 9:57 weight 2.87oz and 3.94inches.
Joel told me he was able to hold them in his hand for a few minutes and said that they were so tiny and adorable. They were redish-but you can see the bones threw it he said they were the softest babies hes ever touched. I wish I could of held them. It hurts a lot that I couldn't. I want the results back now damn it. I want my babies back. I want to be at my own home in my own bed and out of this friggin hospital. I will give anything for my babies.
Within a month I lost all three babies, my reproductive organs, my chance to ever get pregnant. my chance of ever having more biological children, and my heart. I feel so depressed and mad at the same time.

Houston - We Have Problems

Yesterday My MFM (maternal fetal medicine aka high risk ob) called and gave me some fucked up news. I started typing it last night but I just couldn't finish. I hope everyone understands why I couldn't just blert it out yesterday. I had to be a Debby downer and let it soak in without the comments and adjust. You guys are so supportive and I am very thankful for that.
She got my glucose levels back 201 YIKES very high, Then I felt very relieved that it was all she was going to say and I can handle Gestational Diabetes. She explained the medicine she was putting me on and set a date with the nutritionist. My grandfather had Type II diabetes so I know how to do the injections and check the blood.
Then she said "I reviewed the ultrasound pictures a little bit ago and remember how I said C has too much fluid.. It's because you have Polyhydramnios" She explained it and holy shit I am scared shitless. She said it's the first case she's ever see in real life and not in text books. Only 2 out of 100 pregnancies get it and 1 out of 100 pregnancies get it THIS bad. GREAT make ME the special one God. She said that C has as much fluid in her sac as a 28 week gestation baby. It can can be caused by birth defect, heart defect and even diabetes. Well damn. She said in a few weeks I may start having trouble breathing because the fluid is making my uterus bigger and when that happens she will hospitalize me until the babies are born. Guess I'm huge because of that and not bloat. My stomach is measuring 29 week gestation of a Singleton, that I forgot in my update yesterday. Ok no more side tracking (that's why I couldn't finish yesterday)
There are some risks and she faxed me some helpful yet scary facts, information and statistics. About 20 pages worth.
Here are some of the risks.
•Preterm rupture of the membranes (PROM)
•Umbilical cord accidents
•placental abruption (the placenta peels away from the uterine wall before delivery)
•poor growth of the fetus
•Stillbirth
•C-section
•Severe bleeding by the mother after delivery
The list goes on.
She's figuring that C is the one with Down Syndrome. She will not to an amnio to test for the downs or to reduce the fluid because I already lost Triplet B - Emilie and she doesn't want me to lose A or C. I am perfectly fine having a child with Downs or whatever she may come out with. I just want my babies to be in my arms and safely out of my horrible body. I feel so let down by my body and I get so angry at it for causing pain to the three little helpless children. One is gone and I have a lot of guilt that I am trying to work on. Like - why didn't we use a surrogate knowing my body sucks, how would this all paned out if I selectively reduced (I don't regret not reducing the though just crosses my mind every now and then), maybe if I paid more attention to my body Emilie would still be here. Stuff like that.
She said there are some treatments that could work and the only one we can do is medication to help reduce it but in turn that will reduce A's. She said that is up to me. Then there is the Amnioreduction which is an amniocentesis and that is too risky with twin alone never mind with my miscarriage history. And then there is birth - that is totally out of the question.
sigh
thank you for your support! Love you all!

B is now with our other 6 Angels!

Friday I was having some mild cramping and pulling but I thought it was all normal. I was tired and felt crappy but I thought it was from hardly sleeping the night before. I slept most of Friday evening and when I woke up Saturday morning me and the bed were covered in bright red blood. I quickly ran to the bathroom and washed up. Hubby threw the sheets and comforter in the wash and we went to the ER by 10am. They did ultrasounds and blood work. All three heartbeats were there. A-152bpm B-115bpm C-142bpm They could tell the bleeding was from Baby B. It was really obvious I was miscarrying B. By 2pm ultrasound - Baby B's heart was no longer beating. Baby A & C's heart rate was 141 for both. I was able to go home by 5pm on bed rest and just spent on the couch at my dads house. We came home yesterday evening and I went straight to bed. This morning I got a call from my high risk ob nurse and she said the FT screen showed 1/250 chance that one of the babies has downs. I have a follow up with my high risk late this afternoon.
In a way I feel blessed and yet cursed at the same time. As horrible as it may sound I am glad that I miscarried now, rather then in a month or two and end up burying 3 children. I feel very blessed to still be pregnant and that A & C survived it, that I know of. That is the reason of todays follow up appointment. It wont be with my regular high risk ob as he is in the hospital doing 2 planned c-sections but it will be with this other high risk ob chick.
If one of the babies or heck both of the babies has downs. I will be happy just to have them in my arms knowing that they are safe and out of my body that has been the reason of all of this.
Hubby went into work and to my surprise he took 2 weeks leave of absence and on his way home he brought a bunch of balloon. We each wrote a note to B who we are now calling Emilie Alyssa. Hubby feels very strong that B was a girl and to help him, she can be a girl.
I am going to change my layout and change a few things around and keep my mind busy.

10.2 weeks already!

Okay you're going to have to wait for ultrasound pics because Hubby is going to the store and buying me a new printer/scanner because the pictures I took of the ultrasounds sucked worst then last weeks LOL. But here are my belly pics! My, I am growing ever so fast.

Today was my very last appointment with my RE. I was teary eyed. But the sea monkies are doing GREAT! The p4 suppositories seems to be working. Maybe I'm not producing enough p4 for all the and just Baby B was suffering. But here are the stats

Baby A - 10.4 wks 165bpm

Baby B - 9.2 wks 145bpm (I am so proud of B)

Baby C - 11.2 wks 172 bpm

I started crying when he told me Baby B stats! Monkey is only a week behind and normal bpm! So I get to stay on 4 p4 sup. a day and we'll see what the peri says next week. I so cannot wait until next week maybe B will be cought up with the other two. HORRY!

Loving the weather!

Emotionally better today and it's SOOO beautiful out side. Just going outside this morning made me in a better mood. I am so glad it's not in the 100's anymore. I just really hope it stays this nice outside for the rest of the month leading into what Texas calls a winter. See if we had this type of weather around this year every year I think they might even consider it a fall. It's in the low 80's with a beautiful wind. So nice that Carrie (our helper) and I turned off the AC and opened all the windows. We have sliding doors in the back but they are heavy and you have to undo it outside. She was wonderful and took them down all on her own. I told her to leave them until hubby gets home but she insisted.
With that all said as you can tell we hired someone - Carrie. She was the third one we interviewed yesterday. She's young for doing what she's doing but thats how she pays for college. Shes a smart girl. I give her a lot of credit! Shes going to school to become a pediatrician. This morning she brought me a frapachino from yummy Starbucks! Shes already on my good side since hubby band me from there because I would spend about 40 bucks a month there alone. HAHAHA DS seems to like her a lot or it could be the fact that she can't resist his baby blues when he reaches his hands out and looks at her with the puppy dog eyes and says "UP". She said that at the moment she has no plans for children but maybe when she finds the man of her dreams, maybe then or when ever her clock starts ticking but right now, it's hidden somewhere she said. She has a quirky sense of humor like me and Hubby said.. "Shit, there are two of you, WTF am I going to do now" We both giggled.
I think I'm going to go for now and pop in a hot pocket mmm

Hitting home!

::sigh::

Things are finally hitting home. The excitement has worn off and reality finally hit...today! Well, I guess it started last night when I realized that we need to hire a helper/nanny type of person to help me with the children and house hold duties while hubby is at work. For now we only plan to have her here for about 5 hours a day until we need more help later on down the line. We have interviews with 3 ladies tomorrow. I am actually excited to get some help. House - I have a feeling that our house (that we JUST bought) isn't going to be big enough for the 8 of us. We only have a 3 bedroom. I could turn my office into a nursery but it wont be big enough for 3 cribs and 2 times the amount of clothes. I don't want to up-root either DS or DD since there will be a lot of change and less attention for them when the trio is born. I don't want them to feel as if I am pushing them away, KWIM?!? OMG.. it's TRIPLETS. Can I actually handle triplets on top of a 1 year old and a 5 year old? How? Will I lose my mind? Will I get PPD? Can I handle the roller coaster ride of the NICU? Can I handle 3 more children with medical problems (DS & DD have medical issues)? MY poor body! It's going to get so big. I fear that my husband won't find me attractive after this when my stomach is so stretched out and so saggy it will be sagging.. who wants to touch and love up on that?!? I know I will have a hard time looking at it never mind Joel.
Ugh I am starting to stress myself out and I need not to do that. But I can't help it. I'm sitting here crying just thinking of all things. I feel, I don't know how to put like overwhelmed I guess.
Oh-Well I''m off to get some support from my good friends online at 2ww!