Joels Story .... part one

Lexy has been promising to type up my version of what happened but has been putting it off and I don't blame her, so to make it easier on her I'll type it up.

On Tuesday October 28Th, I took the day off to take Lexy to her high risk ob appointment since she wasn't feeling too well and didn't want to drive the hour and a half there. Did the norm, piss in a cup, get weighed, blood pressure and go sit in a room. Doctor Lady comes in and checks the height of her stomach and feels a round and then the Doppler comes out... nothing, can hear Lexy's faintly but that's it. She moves it around and Lexy squeezes my hand. I can see the fear on her face and she just closes her eyes and holds her breath like it's a dream and she's trying to wake up. Doctor Lady said she's going to do an ultra sound. I notice Lexy breathing heavy and I admit I was scared shit-less but I knew I had to stay strong for Lexy because I am her rock, always have been when anything got tough and I knew if she knew I was worried and scared she would lose it. Within a minute the ultra sound was going and both the babies had no heart beat. Doctor Lady delivered the news at 11:11am. I looked at the clock for some odd reason and will never forget that exact moment. Lexy broke down and screamed why and asked a million times how and what happened and holding her stomach and repeating that she was sorry. I don't know to whom, me or the babies. Doctor Lady cried along with her. I did too but I had to pull Lexy together and being with her since we were teenagers I knew that I shouldn't show how much I was hurting too not yet at least. We sat in the room just holding each other for about a half an hour when Doctor Lady brakes the silence and asks us what we wanted to do. Let Lexy's body miscarry on it's own, get a D&C or find out answers by doing an autopsy but that would mean that Lexy would need a c-section. She said we could stay and think about it as long as we wanted. We talked and talked. The pros and cons of everything and Lexy stated that she defiantly didn't want to let her body miscarry on it's own because who knows how long that would take and that would delay every ones healing time. We chose to have the autopsy mainly for Lexy to have closure and figure what happened to our babies. We scheduled it for October 29Th at 10am and we had to be there at 9am.
She comes home and just goes to bed and cries herself to sleep. I make all the phone calls to family and my work to let them know that I will not be going in the morning. Her wonderful father rushes over and offered to take the children for however long needed. We pack their things up and talk about everything and wishes he could do more and to give Lexy his love since she locked herself in the bedroom. I leave her alone for a while and then unlock the door and asked her if she wanted to give the kids a kiss good by and she said to send them in as she didn't want to deal with anyone. After the kids leave she takes some Tylenol pm and goes cries some more until it kicks in and shes out for the night. I however couldn't sleep. That's when I broke down and just prayed all night long. Mainly about keeping Lexy safe and sane and give her the strength she needs to get threw this.
What seemed like days but was only hours and it was morning. I woke Lexy and she took a quick shower and we headed off to the hospital. When we got there we had no clue where to go, so we asked the lady at the front desk "My wife Crissie B---(Alexia/Lexy to all you guys since she hates her first name) has a .... c-section scheduled today and we don't know where to go" She looked at Lexy and probably thought she was just a regular pregnant woman since she was measuring 32 weeks for a singleton pregnancy at the day before appointment and told us to go to Labor and Delivery.

I will end this here for tonight. Since it's almost 2am and I have to be at work in 5 hours. Glad I got a nap today but for now I will snuggle up with my wife since she is in one of her low moments. She hasn't taken an anti-depressant in 3 days and is doing rather well. Only about 2 brake downs a day now and that is VERY good to what it use to be. Thank you all for your prayers, support, cards in the mail, flowers and gift cards. You all are family!

Hot Damn (award & exciting news to boot)

.....hey that's one of my favorite type of liquor and what I got all fuckerd up on last night :) Yesterday Joel and I dropped the kids off at dads and we went out to the bar and grill , yes on a Tuesday night. Joel got his days off switched on him :( Anyways we went to the bar and I had a few shots of Kamaquasi and some yummy queso and Joel wore his pretty pink bracelet they gave him to show that he was the designated driver and got free cokes all night. After we stopped at the liquor store get Joel some Jack and he asked what I wanted and I said surprise me. I figured he would get me my Tequila Rose but no he got me a bottle of 100 Proof Hot Damn. I drank that sucker in 2 hours and do not and I repeat do NOT chase it with Big Red soda YUK and it makes it burn even more! Needless to say by 2am I was barfing my ass off and I still feel hing over and Joel just laughs at me, thanks hun love ya too.

I got a comment that Alicia from Two B's and Me had something with my name all over it :) I mosey my way over there and WOOT WOOT I gots me an award! It seriously made my day :) THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

So, here are the rules to receiving this award:

1. You have to pass it on to 5 other fabulous blogs in a post.
2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post.
3. You must copy and paste the rules and the instructions below in the post.


Instructions:

On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then "add image" it in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the "picture" gidget.Also, don't forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by emailing them or leaving a comment on their blog.

My 5 addictions that keep me going: (and in no particular order mind you)

1. Internet - I need it! I seriously cannot live without it. Even if I just stare at the word Google on my home page I am okay.
2. Money - We have a love hate relationship! I loooove it so much but I (well hubby) hates me spending it on stupid shit. Hey a new washer and dryer are not stupid and car that we do not need is stupid! So there asshole!
3. My bed - Those days in the hospital I missed my sleep number bed. I now I am not spoiled because I cannot sleep without it
4. Flip Flops - I am obsessed with them! I have over 50 pairs YIKES My fav are my Texas Longhorn ones :)
5. Purses - I have 10 times the purses as flip flops. Know the storage bins, well I have 4 of them full and need another because I buy one EVERY TIME I got to a store. Sad I Know :)

And for the lovelies that I will share this award with:

Kami (the Murphy 4)
Anni (3's Company but 4's a party!)
Tiffany (The Pifer Family)
Kym (Smart One)
Lauren (Will Baby Make 4)

Okay are you NOW ready for the exciting news? Were going to start surrogacy and egg donation process after the holidays. We want to have worry free holiday and no worry about crossing all the T's and dotting the I's just yet. We have talked with a few agencies today to get price lines in our heads and yes defiantly after holidays with those prices LOL

Thank you

I wish I could hug all of you! You all are great support and I needed it so much and still do. I'm home now, been for a few days. Just been sleeping my life away it seems. I've been readding all the blogs, sorry for not commenting but I am there reading. 2ww I still go on and lurk but it's so hard because they are all still pregnant (dont get me wrong I want them and ya'll to stay pregnant and have healthy babies) and one of the girls just had her beautiful little boy and yeah I'm jealious. *In due time I will have mine, I keep telling myself and I am forever greatdul for my two I have.... It's just really hard* Days are getting a little better, little less crying, staying awake more. Joel has giving me his story. I'll type it up tomorrow, as the pain killers and sleeping pills are kicking in. So, if this post is incoherent you know why.
We got the autopsy reports back. Elija's (baby A) said Intrauterine Sudden Death (in other words unknown) and Emmaline's (Baby C) was Maternal Infection and Trisomy 21. I had an infection in my uterus and that explains why I wouldn't stop bleeding.
Joel and I talked today about persuing surrogacy. We don't know when. I know I want to be off the anti-depressants. So, it eoepend when I am "better", I guess. I am looking at either to go with an agency or go independent like Kym. I like to be incontroll but I would like to go an agency in case problems arrise. We have agreed to use a gestational surrogate (not the biologically related to the baby) and egg donnor and not a traditional surrogate (where the carrier would be the biological mother plus by Texas laws you cannot do a traditional surrogacy unless they give birth in another state. Down fall is, gestational is more expensive along with an egg donnor and agencies also charge an arm and a leg.
Wow I cant see straight guess it's time for me to get back in bed.

Very cute and for a good cause!

One of the many blogs I follow along daily is Kyms. At times she has me laughing so hard I piss my pants and sometimes I cry. She has been down the road of infertility and has beautiful blessings of her own and has is doing an amazing job of helping others have children by becoming a gestational surrogate mother. I know, at first I was like huh how can that be possible LOL but she has done it! She is about to start another journey of helping Chance become a mom :) She has made this beautiful necklas/bracelet that she hand ingraved and not the easy way with a machine but by hand to help raise money for the surrogate journey. We all know IVF is expensive but surrogacy is A LOT more expensive. I know.. I researched when our RE brought it up. Here is a link to her Etsy Shop to buy one or like Kym said SEVEN... HEHEHE I will be getting one :)

Bad Pee Sticks

It is 9dpo 8dpIUI & 10dpTRIGGER....

I haven't blogged because I've been trying to keep myself busy by re-modeling my kitchen and it worked... until last night. I took a pregnancy test and nothing. It was negative.I left it on the counter and finally 5 hours later I threw it out and it took my hopes for this cycle right along with it.

I have no symptoms other then cramping and mild bloating. I have nothing else to go on other then that. I tried my hardest not to get my hopes up but I they were and now I just feel blah.



Our kitchen is coming along nice. Hubby bought me a new fridge and stove. They are both the touch button kind and I do not have to fill up ice trays :) I love the stove. It has no annoying knobs and the burners are flat. WOOHOO! Last night we ate out at an all you can eat buffet. It was delicious. I think that's why I feel bloated today. Tonight I will be making Breakfast Pizza for dinner. MMMM I cannot wait. I haven't had that since I was a child. It was always a childhood favorite dish.



Hubby should be home within the next 10-15 minutes. I'm glad. Today has been a shitty day emotionally because I've been dealing with alot of emotions. Like if this cycle doesn't work our RE has changed his mind and does NOT want us to go for IVF he rather us use a Gestational Surrogate. At first I had NO clue was a surrogate was so I did alot of research and I just feel very overwhelmed. I'm not going to get into it too much on this post as I have alot of emotions I have to deal with that I have to make a post in itself.