Joels Story .... part one

Lexy has been promising to type up my version of what happened but has been putting it off and I don't blame her, so to make it easier on her I'll type it up.

On Tuesday October 28Th, I took the day off to take Lexy to her high risk ob appointment since she wasn't feeling too well and didn't want to drive the hour and a half there. Did the norm, piss in a cup, get weighed, blood pressure and go sit in a room. Doctor Lady comes in and checks the height of her stomach and feels a round and then the Doppler comes out... nothing, can hear Lexy's faintly but that's it. She moves it around and Lexy squeezes my hand. I can see the fear on her face and she just closes her eyes and holds her breath like it's a dream and she's trying to wake up. Doctor Lady said she's going to do an ultra sound. I notice Lexy breathing heavy and I admit I was scared shit-less but I knew I had to stay strong for Lexy because I am her rock, always have been when anything got tough and I knew if she knew I was worried and scared she would lose it. Within a minute the ultra sound was going and both the babies had no heart beat. Doctor Lady delivered the news at 11:11am. I looked at the clock for some odd reason and will never forget that exact moment. Lexy broke down and screamed why and asked a million times how and what happened and holding her stomach and repeating that she was sorry. I don't know to whom, me or the babies. Doctor Lady cried along with her. I did too but I had to pull Lexy together and being with her since we were teenagers I knew that I shouldn't show how much I was hurting too not yet at least. We sat in the room just holding each other for about a half an hour when Doctor Lady brakes the silence and asks us what we wanted to do. Let Lexy's body miscarry on it's own, get a D&C or find out answers by doing an autopsy but that would mean that Lexy would need a c-section. She said we could stay and think about it as long as we wanted. We talked and talked. The pros and cons of everything and Lexy stated that she defiantly didn't want to let her body miscarry on it's own because who knows how long that would take and that would delay every ones healing time. We chose to have the autopsy mainly for Lexy to have closure and figure what happened to our babies. We scheduled it for October 29Th at 10am and we had to be there at 9am.
She comes home and just goes to bed and cries herself to sleep. I make all the phone calls to family and my work to let them know that I will not be going in the morning. Her wonderful father rushes over and offered to take the children for however long needed. We pack their things up and talk about everything and wishes he could do more and to give Lexy his love since she locked herself in the bedroom. I leave her alone for a while and then unlock the door and asked her if she wanted to give the kids a kiss good by and she said to send them in as she didn't want to deal with anyone. After the kids leave she takes some Tylenol pm and goes cries some more until it kicks in and shes out for the night. I however couldn't sleep. That's when I broke down and just prayed all night long. Mainly about keeping Lexy safe and sane and give her the strength she needs to get threw this.
What seemed like days but was only hours and it was morning. I woke Lexy and she took a quick shower and we headed off to the hospital. When we got there we had no clue where to go, so we asked the lady at the front desk "My wife Crissie B---(Alexia/Lexy to all you guys since she hates her first name) has a .... c-section scheduled today and we don't know where to go" She looked at Lexy and probably thought she was just a regular pregnant woman since she was measuring 32 weeks for a singleton pregnancy at the day before appointment and told us to go to Labor and Delivery.

I will end this here for tonight. Since it's almost 2am and I have to be at work in 5 hours. Glad I got a nap today but for now I will snuggle up with my wife since she is in one of her low moments. She hasn't taken an anti-depressant in 3 days and is doing rather well. Only about 2 brake downs a day now and that is VERY good to what it use to be. Thank you all for your prayers, support, cards in the mail, flowers and gift cards. You all are family!

Hot Damn (award & exciting news to boot)

.....hey that's one of my favorite type of liquor and what I got all fuckerd up on last night :) Yesterday Joel and I dropped the kids off at dads and we went out to the bar and grill , yes on a Tuesday night. Joel got his days off switched on him :( Anyways we went to the bar and I had a few shots of Kamaquasi and some yummy queso and Joel wore his pretty pink bracelet they gave him to show that he was the designated driver and got free cokes all night. After we stopped at the liquor store get Joel some Jack and he asked what I wanted and I said surprise me. I figured he would get me my Tequila Rose but no he got me a bottle of 100 Proof Hot Damn. I drank that sucker in 2 hours and do not and I repeat do NOT chase it with Big Red soda YUK and it makes it burn even more! Needless to say by 2am I was barfing my ass off and I still feel hing over and Joel just laughs at me, thanks hun love ya too.

I got a comment that Alicia from Two B's and Me had something with my name all over it :) I mosey my way over there and WOOT WOOT I gots me an award! It seriously made my day :) THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

So, here are the rules to receiving this award:

1. You have to pass it on to 5 other fabulous blogs in a post.
2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post.
3. You must copy and paste the rules and the instructions below in the post.


Instructions:

On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then "add image" it in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the "picture" gidget.Also, don't forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by emailing them or leaving a comment on their blog.

My 5 addictions that keep me going: (and in no particular order mind you)

1. Internet - I need it! I seriously cannot live without it. Even if I just stare at the word Google on my home page I am okay.
2. Money - We have a love hate relationship! I loooove it so much but I (well hubby) hates me spending it on stupid shit. Hey a new washer and dryer are not stupid and car that we do not need is stupid! So there asshole!
3. My bed - Those days in the hospital I missed my sleep number bed. I now I am not spoiled because I cannot sleep without it
4. Flip Flops - I am obsessed with them! I have over 50 pairs YIKES My fav are my Texas Longhorn ones :)
5. Purses - I have 10 times the purses as flip flops. Know the storage bins, well I have 4 of them full and need another because I buy one EVERY TIME I got to a store. Sad I Know :)

And for the lovelies that I will share this award with:

Kami (the Murphy 4)
Anni (3's Company but 4's a party!)
Tiffany (The Pifer Family)
Kym (Smart One)
Lauren (Will Baby Make 4)

Okay are you NOW ready for the exciting news? Were going to start surrogacy and egg donation process after the holidays. We want to have worry free holiday and no worry about crossing all the T's and dotting the I's just yet. We have talked with a few agencies today to get price lines in our heads and yes defiantly after holidays with those prices LOL

Thank you

I wish I could hug all of you! You all are great support and I needed it so much and still do. I'm home now, been for a few days. Just been sleeping my life away it seems. I've been readding all the blogs, sorry for not commenting but I am there reading. 2ww I still go on and lurk but it's so hard because they are all still pregnant (dont get me wrong I want them and ya'll to stay pregnant and have healthy babies) and one of the girls just had her beautiful little boy and yeah I'm jealious. *In due time I will have mine, I keep telling myself and I am forever greatdul for my two I have.... It's just really hard* Days are getting a little better, little less crying, staying awake more. Joel has giving me his story. I'll type it up tomorrow, as the pain killers and sleeping pills are kicking in. So, if this post is incoherent you know why.
We got the autopsy reports back. Elija's (baby A) said Intrauterine Sudden Death (in other words unknown) and Emmaline's (Baby C) was Maternal Infection and Trisomy 21. I had an infection in my uterus and that explains why I wouldn't stop bleeding.
Joel and I talked today about persuing surrogacy. We don't know when. I know I want to be off the anti-depressants. So, it eoepend when I am "better", I guess. I am looking at either to go with an agency or go independent like Kym. I like to be incontroll but I would like to go an agency in case problems arrise. We have agreed to use a gestational surrogate (not the biologically related to the baby) and egg donnor and not a traditional surrogate (where the carrier would be the biological mother plus by Texas laws you cannot do a traditional surrogacy unless they give birth in another state. Down fall is, gestational is more expensive along with an egg donnor and agencies also charge an arm and a leg.
Wow I cant see straight guess it's time for me to get back in bed.

One Special Nurse

I have a special nurse who is a huge help. She's this old little lady, and a typical 60 year old nurse who works the night shift. Still wearing the old school white shoes, tights and dress and last night she has pink over coat on. Last night I couldn't bear to look at my journal anymore. I made Joel go to the house and get my Paint Shop Pro cd and a couple font cd's so I can install it on my laptop. He didn't want to leave me alone. Ms. Sally (the nurse) said she could stay with me since she didn't have to rounds for another 3 hours and another nurse could cover her if needed. I'm on a regular floor, not the maternity floor. Joel took almost 5 hours because he couldn't find it and wanted to put up the few baby stuff that we bought over the weekend. She staid with me all but 15 minutes just so she could get her dinner. Ms. Sally shared her dinner with me. It was the best homemade potato pancakes I ever had! We talked a lot. We staid up til 5:30am talking when the sleeping pill finally kicked in. We talked about everything. Her loss of her husband and children. I asked a lot of questions on how she handled the depression and all the anger and if was I feel is normal or not. Tonight she said we'll have another dinner date if I am still up. I am actually looking forward to it. She asked what I was in the mood for and I told her anything but fish so we'll see what she brings.

It's Over

I haven't been on because I lost the babies and I am still in the hospital because there were some complications.

Tuesday Oct. 28th Ihad my normal MFM appointment and she couldn't hear any heartbeats with the dopler so plops the goo on my stomach for the ultrasound and A & C had no heartbeats. We all cried and tried to figure out why/how/what happened. She said that I had 1 of 3 choices.
•Wait it out and let my body miscarry on it's own.
•Get a D&C
•Have a c-section on Wednesday and do an autopsy to figure out what caused it.

My husband and I talked about it and decided that the c-section would be the best answer for us and to help with closure when we find out the results.

This is by far the hardest thing ever I could possibly wright.

Here is what happened from what I can remember (I'll have Joel do his version tomorrow)

Our doctor set an appointment for me to have a c-section on Wednesday morning. We go there. At first the stupid hospital had me waiting in Labor and delivery where I could hear babies crying and I just wanted to run away. My doctor apologized for the confusion and told them to send me to another floor but obviously they didn't. She took me to the operating room I drank some nasty shit that almost made me throw up.. I had to swallow it down. The anesthesiologist came in and I got my epidural and it kicked in fast. I laid back down and my doctor came in and I remember her not strapping my arms to the table. I remember them criss crossed on my chest while Joel had his hand on top of mine. I remember her saying A is a BOY and C is GIRL. Then things started going fuzzy. I started seeing dots and was dizzy and breathing was getting difficult. I told Joel who told the anesthesiologist. Next thing I see is lights in my eyes telling me that it's going to be okay and they are going to put me under general anastetic because they are having difficulty stopping my bleeding.
Then I was in recovery room with Joel sleeping in the chair. Apparently 9 hours passed. I don't remember much (Joel said he will tell me details when I am ready but I'm just not yet - have to deal with this first) Very long story short.. The bleeding wouldn't stop. They ended up giving me a complete hysterectomy. I had 3 blood transfusion.
We are still waiting on the results of the autopsy. A was "born" (can't get a certificate of fetal death or any type of certificate at that because I wasn't at least 20 weeks. I am LIVID and hurt about that!) at 9:56am weighing 3.2oz and 4.12 inches and C was "born" at 9:57 weight 2.87oz and 3.94inches.
Joel told me he was able to hold them in his hand for a few minutes and said that they were so tiny and adorable. They were redish-but you can see the bones threw it he said they were the softest babies hes ever touched. I wish I could of held them. It hurts a lot that I couldn't. I want the results back now damn it. I want my babies back. I want to be at my own home in my own bed and out of this friggin hospital. I will give anything for my babies.
Within a month I lost all three babies, my reproductive organs, my chance to ever get pregnant. my chance of ever having more biological children, and my heart. I feel so depressed and mad at the same time.

Houston - We Have Problems

Yesterday My MFM (maternal fetal medicine aka high risk ob) called and gave me some fucked up news. I started typing it last night but I just couldn't finish. I hope everyone understands why I couldn't just blert it out yesterday. I had to be a Debby downer and let it soak in without the comments and adjust. You guys are so supportive and I am very thankful for that.
She got my glucose levels back 201 YIKES very high, Then I felt very relieved that it was all she was going to say and I can handle Gestational Diabetes. She explained the medicine she was putting me on and set a date with the nutritionist. My grandfather had Type II diabetes so I know how to do the injections and check the blood.
Then she said "I reviewed the ultrasound pictures a little bit ago and remember how I said C has too much fluid.. It's because you have Polyhydramnios" She explained it and holy shit I am scared shitless. She said it's the first case she's ever see in real life and not in text books. Only 2 out of 100 pregnancies get it and 1 out of 100 pregnancies get it THIS bad. GREAT make ME the special one God. She said that C has as much fluid in her sac as a 28 week gestation baby. It can can be caused by birth defect, heart defect and even diabetes. Well damn. She said in a few weeks I may start having trouble breathing because the fluid is making my uterus bigger and when that happens she will hospitalize me until the babies are born. Guess I'm huge because of that and not bloat. My stomach is measuring 29 week gestation of a Singleton, that I forgot in my update yesterday. Ok no more side tracking (that's why I couldn't finish yesterday)
There are some risks and she faxed me some helpful yet scary facts, information and statistics. About 20 pages worth.
Here are some of the risks.
•Preterm rupture of the membranes (PROM)
•Umbilical cord accidents
•placental abruption (the placenta peels away from the uterine wall before delivery)
•poor growth of the fetus
•Stillbirth
•C-section
•Severe bleeding by the mother after delivery
The list goes on.
She's figuring that C is the one with Down Syndrome. She will not to an amnio to test for the downs or to reduce the fluid because I already lost Triplet B - Emilie and she doesn't want me to lose A or C. I am perfectly fine having a child with Downs or whatever she may come out with. I just want my babies to be in my arms and safely out of my horrible body. I feel so let down by my body and I get so angry at it for causing pain to the three little helpless children. One is gone and I have a lot of guilt that I am trying to work on. Like - why didn't we use a surrogate knowing my body sucks, how would this all paned out if I selectively reduced (I don't regret not reducing the though just crosses my mind every now and then), maybe if I paid more attention to my body Emilie would still be here. Stuff like that.
She said there are some treatments that could work and the only one we can do is medication to help reduce it but in turn that will reduce A's. She said that is up to me. Then there is the Amnioreduction which is an amniocentesis and that is too risky with twin alone never mind with my miscarriage history. And then there is birth - that is totally out of the question.
sigh
thank you for your support! Love you all!

Long day & Belly

Last night just as I was just chatting away on the computer and I hear my son crying I go and try comforting him, patting his butt rocking him etc. Nope he's wide awake and stays awake til 5am. I climb into bed and settle down and bam my alarm starts going off at 6am. Well that blew that idea out of the water. So I start getting ready and start getting my daughter ready to catch the bus. I wake my son up around 7:25 to start getting him ready so I can go to my appointment.
Babies are measuring a day behind and that's odd because they were always 5 or more days a head. A's heartbeat is 134 and C's heartbeat is 147bpm. My iron is REALLY low. Got some iron pills and I had protein in my urine so tomorrow I get to drive an hour+ again and take the Glucose test tomorrow. I felt like a walking zombie. I didn't nap until about 4pm when he finally passed out on the coffee table. It was only for about an hour maybe an hour and a half.
Here it is 10pm and it feel like 4am. The tylenol codien has kickin and I think I'm finally going to get some good sleep even though I have to be up at 6am. I also have to interview another nanny/helper tomorrow since Carrie quit :(
Here is my 14 week pic... still got some bloat but my arms have gotten fatter lol