Saturday, November 1, 2008

It's Over

I haven't been on because I lost the babies and I am still in the hospital because there were some complications.

Tuesday Oct. 28th Ihad my normal MFM appointment and she couldn't hear any heartbeats with the dopler so plops the goo on my stomach for the ultrasound and A & C had no heartbeats. We all cried and tried to figure out why/how/what happened. She said that I had 1 of 3 choices.
•Wait it out and let my body miscarry on it's own.
•Get a D&C
•Have a c-section on Wednesday and do an autopsy to figure out what caused it.

My husband and I talked about it and decided that the c-section would be the best answer for us and to help with closure when we find out the results.

This is by far the hardest thing ever I could possibly wright.

Here is what happened from what I can remember (I'll have Joel do his version tomorrow)

Our doctor set an appointment for me to have a c-section on Wednesday morning. We go there. At first the stupid hospital had me waiting in Labor and delivery where I could hear babies crying and I just wanted to run away. My doctor apologized for the confusion and told them to send me to another floor but obviously they didn't. She took me to the operating room I drank some nasty shit that almost made me throw up.. I had to swallow it down. The anesthesiologist came in and I got my epidural and it kicked in fast. I laid back down and my doctor came in and I remember her not strapping my arms to the table. I remember them criss crossed on my chest while Joel had his hand on top of mine. I remember her saying A is a BOY and C is GIRL. Then things started going fuzzy. I started seeing dots and was dizzy and breathing was getting difficult. I told Joel who told the anesthesiologist. Next thing I see is lights in my eyes telling me that it's going to be okay and they are going to put me under general anastetic because they are having difficulty stopping my bleeding.
Then I was in recovery room with Joel sleeping in the chair. Apparently 9 hours passed. I don't remember much (Joel said he will tell me details when I am ready but I'm just not yet - have to deal with this first) Very long story short.. The bleeding wouldn't stop. They ended up giving me a complete hysterectomy. I had 3 blood transfusion.
We are still waiting on the results of the autopsy. A was "born" (can't get a certificate of fetal death or any type of certificate at that because I wasn't at least 20 weeks. I am LIVID and hurt about that!) at 9:56am weighing 3.2oz and 4.12 inches and C was "born" at 9:57 weight 2.87oz and 3.94inches.
Joel told me he was able to hold them in his hand for a few minutes and said that they were so tiny and adorable. They were redish-but you can see the bones threw it he said they were the softest babies hes ever touched. I wish I could of held them. It hurts a lot that I couldn't. I want the results back now damn it. I want my babies back. I want to be at my own home in my own bed and out of this friggin hospital. I will give anything for my babies.
Within a month I lost all three babies, my reproductive organs, my chance to ever get pregnant. my chance of ever having more biological children, and my heart. I feel so depressed and mad at the same time.

17 comments:

Ali said...

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I know that there is nothing that I can say that would make it better. I will pray for you and your family!

Cassandra said...

Nothing I could ever say would give you any peace, just know that I am praying hourly for you & your family! For peace, for healing physically & emotionally, for faith, for the hurt to ease! Much love & *HUGS* sent your way!

Shannon said...

You have every right to be angry and sad. In fact, I am sad and angry for you, too. It sucks. :(

Mimi said...

I want to hug you so bad right now. I wish I could do something to make it all better for you. My heart is hurting right now and I am so sorry for you and DH. Things happen that we never fully understand and it just sucks. Please take care of your body and mind. Let DH and your children take care of you while you are in this fragile state. Time heals everything. You will get better. Be strong and take care.

With love,
Kami

Kymberli said...

Oh, God, Lexy! I am so, so terribly sorry for all that has happened. That feels so shallow, and doesn't even begin to describe the sadness that I feel for you. It's so horribly unfair. You and your family are in my prayers. I wish there was something more that I could do.

Anonymous said...

Hold the miracles that you can in your arms.

Hold all the other miracles in your heart forever.

Somehow the sun will shine again and your life will go on. All your Angels will be watching and helping you along your way!

With sincere best wishes for you all,
Grannie in Florida

Lauren said...

I am on my knees crying and praying for you. Try to be strong. I wish there was more that I could say..

Mandy said...

nothing I can say will describe the hurt I feel for you. I am so sorry that you are going throught this! Please take care of you right now, you have every right to be mad, angry, and down right pissed off at the world. I am praying for you and thinking of you often!

Amy (MyColonyNJ) said...

I am so so sorry. I know there are no words that I can say to make you feel better. You and your family will be in my prayers.

I wish I could say more.

The Swann's said...

I have been lurking and praying for you and your babies... I am so very deeply sorry to hear about not only your loss of your babies but having to have a complete hysterectomy (sp?). I cannot even imagine the hurt, sadness, and anger let alone all the questions that are going thru your mind. I am praying for you and your family more so now than before and do hope you are able to find comfort and a sense of peace in the midst of all this.

~Meghan

The White Family said...

God bless your broken heart! I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. There are no words that I could possibly think of to make you feel better. You are such a strong woman and I'm praying on my knees that you pull through this terrible time in your life. It's just not fair!!! Much love to you and your family.

Jennifer said...

I am broken hearted and speechless.

My thoughts & prayers are with you & your family.

The Pifer's said...

OH HONEY, I just had a chance to catch up with you and everything and I am extremly sorry for everything you have been though. You are such an amazing person and I know yall will get through this, keep your head up sweetie. You have alot of angels looking over yall. I wish sometimes we knew why God made some choices in life, but we just have to have faith that he does have a reason. I am always here for you.

Love ya, Tiffany Pifer (tapifer)

Rae said...

I am so sorry. You are so in my prayers. If you feel up to it later, here is a blog that I frequent and it has been a blessing to me and I hope it will be to you also. She is recovering from the loss of her child too. www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com. I hope you can find some peace.

All my prayers and HIS comfort,
Rae

Anonymous said...

When God calls little children to dwell with him above, We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of his love. For no heartache compares with the death of one small child. Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild. Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to his fold, So he picks a little rosebud before it can grow old. God knows how much we need them, so he takes but a few To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view. Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try, The saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye." So when a little child departs, we who are left behind must realize God loves children... Angels are hard to find.
Lexy,
This is a very hard time. I lost my son Noah at 16 weeks. Lean on your family. Don't hold anything in, go through the emotions. I am praying for you and your family. This poem I posted got me through alot. I read this countless times a day.
God bless- Kelly (2ww)

jailbyrd86 said...

There are no words to express the sorrow that I feel for you. I was hoping it was some sort of mistake when I first heard and I wish so much that it had been. You are in my prayers forever, as I know that you will need it. God bless.

jailbyrd86 said...

There are no words to express the sorrow that I feel for you. I was hoping it was some sort of mistake when I first heard and I wish so much that it had been. You are in my prayers forever, as I know that you will need it. God bless.