It's Over

I haven't been on because I lost the babies and I am still in the hospital because there were some complications.

Tuesday Oct. 28th Ihad my normal MFM appointment and she couldn't hear any heartbeats with the dopler so plops the goo on my stomach for the ultrasound and A & C had no heartbeats. We all cried and tried to figure out why/how/what happened. She said that I had 1 of 3 choices.
•Wait it out and let my body miscarry on it's own.
•Get a D&C
•Have a c-section on Wednesday and do an autopsy to figure out what caused it.

My husband and I talked about it and decided that the c-section would be the best answer for us and to help with closure when we find out the results.

This is by far the hardest thing ever I could possibly wright.

Here is what happened from what I can remember (I'll have Joel do his version tomorrow)

Our doctor set an appointment for me to have a c-section on Wednesday morning. We go there. At first the stupid hospital had me waiting in Labor and delivery where I could hear babies crying and I just wanted to run away. My doctor apologized for the confusion and told them to send me to another floor but obviously they didn't. She took me to the operating room I drank some nasty shit that almost made me throw up.. I had to swallow it down. The anesthesiologist came in and I got my epidural and it kicked in fast. I laid back down and my doctor came in and I remember her not strapping my arms to the table. I remember them criss crossed on my chest while Joel had his hand on top of mine. I remember her saying A is a BOY and C is GIRL. Then things started going fuzzy. I started seeing dots and was dizzy and breathing was getting difficult. I told Joel who told the anesthesiologist. Next thing I see is lights in my eyes telling me that it's going to be okay and they are going to put me under general anastetic because they are having difficulty stopping my bleeding.
Then I was in recovery room with Joel sleeping in the chair. Apparently 9 hours passed. I don't remember much (Joel said he will tell me details when I am ready but I'm just not yet - have to deal with this first) Very long story short.. The bleeding wouldn't stop. They ended up giving me a complete hysterectomy. I had 3 blood transfusion.
We are still waiting on the results of the autopsy. A was "born" (can't get a certificate of fetal death or any type of certificate at that because I wasn't at least 20 weeks. I am LIVID and hurt about that!) at 9:56am weighing 3.2oz and 4.12 inches and C was "born" at 9:57 weight 2.87oz and 3.94inches.
Joel told me he was able to hold them in his hand for a few minutes and said that they were so tiny and adorable. They were redish-but you can see the bones threw it he said they were the softest babies hes ever touched. I wish I could of held them. It hurts a lot that I couldn't. I want the results back now damn it. I want my babies back. I want to be at my own home in my own bed and out of this friggin hospital. I will give anything for my babies.
Within a month I lost all three babies, my reproductive organs, my chance to ever get pregnant. my chance of ever having more biological children, and my heart. I feel so depressed and mad at the same time.