Thursday, August 21, 2008

Rambling from the heart

Today has been somewhat emotional for hubby an I. First, I wake up and there is a slight bloody show on my toilet paper. It's dark dark brown and I breath a sigh of relief as I know from previous IUIs and pregnancy and what seems like billions of miscarriages it old blood from implantation again. This is the second time it came out this cycle.

Hubby came home late from work as we had to pay the RE some more money and fix the screw up. It's suppose to just come right out of our bank account each month that we are billed. So, ultrasound still on thank God!

I went over finances on how much we've spent on fertility treatments since February when we started seeing the RE. Including hubby's Semen Analysis we've spent ... almost 10,000 including medication. The only thing my insurance covers is blood work and ultrasounds. Everything else is out of pocket. Seeing how much we spent in 6 months made me have an anxiety attack. I haven't had one since the m/c when I was 12 weeks. I told hubby about what happened to me and he freaked out complaining why didn't I call him and blah blah blah. I just walked out of the room and went on the computer in the office.

I'm sadden that my daughter is starting Kindergarten this coming Tuesday ::sigh::

My son finally said Mom after he's been saying all kinds of Dad shit like dad-dad, dada, dad, daddy and he said mom ONCE and that is all I needed to hear!!! I got all teary eyed.

Hubby and I talked about the dreaded selective reduction. The results.. Twins - no SR, triplets - no SR and I highly doubt quads but we've said NO THANK YOU to that one as well. Before all that Hubby asked what I thought. I sat on the couch hands on my stomach looking down and then looking at my two children who are also right there, I cannot just simply reduce a child of mine. Not one that we long and yearn for so desperately. I will do whatever it takes to have a full term pregnancy again.

I should be a sleep but I cannot sleep. I dunno why. Maybe it's the excitement of tomorrow ultrasound to see the sack(s). So, here I sit in bed hubby sleeping next to me the laptop on my lap and making the room glow so much that hubby actually put a pillow over his head LoL. W have to be up at 5:45am and it's 1am and I am NOT sleepy at all.

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